why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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