I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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