OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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