my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my being single is dangerous.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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