Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
