i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
