I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
