i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i've created a new STD.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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