i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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