I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
