Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
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I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
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