Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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