I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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