Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
