my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
