I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize