So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
