dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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