I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
