Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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