i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
