you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
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I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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