You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
