I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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