More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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