I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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