she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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