I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
my liver is dry heaving
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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