my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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