how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
