Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
