Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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