I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
