My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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