I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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