I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
