i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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