well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
