I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
