I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
