i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
pray to the hookup gods
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
