Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
