I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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