Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How does it feel to date your dad?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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