1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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