JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't deserve a penis
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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