shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
