Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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