I can text with my tongue
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
