I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
