I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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