Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
