I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
