"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
