i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
