This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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